Why I Write

My assignment for today's writing was an unexpected one.  I sat down in one of our 1950s Knoll manufactured orange tweed one-armed chairs that we bought at auction because we loved it, despite its only arm being worn and frayed.  Its partner is in slightly better shape.  Together they make an imperfectly perfect pair like Michael and me. In front of me on our yard sale-found Eames designed coffee table water-marked with glass rings from gatherings gone by, is an old olive oil bottle holding a thrush of full-bloomed red and yellow blended Mikado roses and a copy of Poets & Writers. The roses are beautiful and they urge me to write about them, to relish in their lush layers. Instead I pick up the magazine and browse for any submission ideas. Submissions are the only overwhelming aspect of writing for me.  I love writing and rewriting, but finding a magazine or online literary journal that might accept one of my poems is daunting. I happened upon an essay under a segment titled Why We Write. At the end, there was an open invitation to share essays of our own experiences and stories about why we write. There was my prompt.

I took my Moleskine notebook stuffed with poems in progress and filled with crooked, sideways, and messy writing and began a new page. I lost track of time but spent a good portion of it trying to identify the type of roses that were on the coffee table. In the end, I wrote a mini autobiography of how I came to write. it was a bit cathartic. Here are two larger excerpts of my essay:

I did not get a degree in Liberal Arts, instead I opted for the more practical science degree of Physical Therapy. I studied art throughout high school and received several local and national art awards, but I didn’t have the courage or the confidence to pursue it as a career choice.  I could be guaranteed a career in Physical Therapy. I did not touch a brush again for twenty years.

Not satisfied with the strict allopathic methods of treatment, I leaned more towards the holistic approach of manual therapy. Ten years into my career, I pursued a certificate in Massage Therapy to complement the conservative methods. With the license to use my hands holistically, helping others, I felt like an artist again.  I was able to encourage healing in a manner different that I could within my physical therapy profession. I established a private practice and it became an early success. Working for myself gave me the freedom to feel whole and in control of my destiny, at least career- wise, at least for the present moment.  I did not know that I was on a trail that would bring me back to art and to love.

I believe that during a massage therapy session, when there is a trusting relationship, energy channels open and inspiration and healing flows.  It may be the last line of a poem, an answer to a problem, or oxygen to a tight muscle.  Our breath becomes fuller and with each breath is an opportunity to relax, expand, heal and grow. We take an average of one thousand breaths a day.  That’s one thousand opportunities. How eye-opening is that?

I was probably only paying attention to one tenth of those thousand breaths but it was enough to listen to love and truth when they presented themselves, unannounced. Almost ten years later, I was trying to once again balance my conservative and alternative selves. With a successful practice to acknowledge, I was encouraged to take another leap of faith.  I divorced from a neutral marriage and let my heart feel its pulse.

Paying attention to another tenth of the one thousand breaths, and with the book Love Poems from God given by my best friend, and a mini CVS steno pad, I began to write. It wasn’t a brush (although I have since completed two water-color portraits of my children), but it was my hand and my spirit moving creatively again, and it was liberating. Soon, the lined paper and the size of the steno pad was too constricting, and I opted for the blank pages of the Moleskine notebooks...

Three years, nine hand-held and six-and-a-half 8 x11 sized Moleskine notebooks later, I am still writing. My love and now husband, is a painter and we have collaborated on several exhibits featuring his paintings and my poetry. They are collections of shared love and joy we find in the everyday.  I’ve read such classic writer’s literature books as Western Wind and Writing Down the Bones and I found an outstanding mentor with whom I meet biweekly to challenge and encourage me when I have no idea why I am spending the hours of a part-time job fooling with words. I subscribe to Poets & Writers, Ploughshares, New England Review and several other literary gems.  I do not have a published book of poetry and all of my submissions to date have been rejected, except for one.  Does it count if my husband is a professor at the university whose literary magazine is the only one that did accept my poems? It’s okay. I’m still an emerging poet. Aren’t we all emerging somehow? I hope so.

I spent eight hours writing today, sitting in our studio with Michael painting a few feet away.  We swam and worked in the gardens that are heralding new wildflowers, squash, and purple string beans. Today, I feel like a real writer. Its a wonderful way to live..."vissi d'arte, vissi d'amore"

Thank you carrot friends who take the time to read.

~Bess

Little Ducks

Michael and I have just survived ten days straight of teenagers, lots of them! First we had our niece Hannah from Houston, TX with two of her friends, all graduating high school seniors, spend five days with us as their graduation present.  We had fun taking them to our favorite Boston spots, the MFA, The Union Oyster House, and Mike's Pastry.  Of course, we took them to our training ground Walden Pond, where they chose to shop in the gift shop rather than join us for a swim...our New England waters are a bit too cold for them, They went strawberry picking, ate ice cream  which apparently is more of a New England thing than a Texas thing...its more about frozen yogurt there, and the remaining three days we spent on the Cape Cod seashore, from Orleans to Provincetown, touring lighthouses, and beaches, teaching them to surf, and of course, more shopping...it was a treat for them to buy t-shirts from all the different areas, especially the Cape Cod black bear shirt ( highlighting the first ever known black bear to be seen on the Cape).

We dropped them off at the airport on Sunday, and on Monday we were carting ten students back to our home in Orleans, to host Art of the Sea Endersession educational/recreational/cultural week for Megan's high school.  We taught ten more eager teenagers to follow Emerson: "Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, and drink the wild air". We surfed, we ran, we clammed, we swam, we biked, we saw a fantastic play called The Hound of the Baskervilles complete with backstage tour and meeting of the performers, we talked of art and poetry by local Cape Cod artists and poets such as Charles Hawthorne, Hans Hoffman, Mary Oliver, and Stanley Kunitz, and did sun salutations at sunrise.

In these ten days, we listened and observed this upcoming generation, and were impressed at the intelligence and grace in which they are handling the growing pains and decisions facing teenagers. In light of the uncertain economy, social stressors, and shaping identities, all of the teens we "hung out" with demonstrated thoughtful and optimistic plans for their future. It is refreshing to see the hope and dreams in their eyes.

At one of our sunset reflections with the ten students we observed them from a distance.  Michael sketched them and I wrote.  Some of my thoughts for a poem:

Ten in a row, like ducks
without their mother, wondering about the world,
sitting, feathers tucked, quiet.
Three waddle to the water, stray
from the row beyond wonder and warmth
to feel the cold spray.
Four find the rocky edge hard
against their soft, white feathers.
Two more lost in the grasses
try to find their way.
And one remains, still
sitting, feathers tucked,
content with the setting sun.


They will find their way, their center, their carrot friends.

xo Bess

2012 Phlebotomy Schools

Cloud Flats

There are sand flats that we are graced to witness frequently at our beloved Skaket Beach in Orleans.  I love to observe the flats, especially while gliding over them with each stroke taken in the celestial salt waters. Skaket Beach has especially pristine flats, easily seen in the creamy water days when the sea lulls the sleepy shores. They spread for miles when tides are low and one day we were able to convince our friend Steve, a talented local potter, to meet us in the early morning hours to make an impression of them with plaster of paris.  To our delight, he showed up, and with wheelbarrow, two-by-fours, and plaster in tow, we found picturesque flats to frame and mold.  We shaped clay into the impressions and made a unique Skaket Beach sand flat bowl for us to cherish and to hold.  Michael and I were married on Skaket Beach in 2010 and it continues to nourish us everyday, if not with salt, in spirit.

Today, while swimming on one of these creamy water days, I noticed the clouds above mirroring the reflection of the flats.  I will call them cloud flats. They shared the same rippled movement, the same contours of our spine spooning. Their whites woven with blue, like waves lapping the shore. Michael painted such a scene, once, spontaneously by memory, with the same blues and whites and lapping lines. It stayed here in our studio, forgotten, leaning against the corner wall.  Today, I saw this painting in the sky...cloud flats...and now it hangs in our newly renovated bathroom with an aqua wall that was waiting for this painting.

Nature reflects its beauty in the hearts of sky, land, water, and us!  Our spine and sinew, which holds our posture strong and flexible, is figure-lined in the dunes, and sand flats, waves and clouds.  A reminder of the continuum we exist with.  A welcomed knowing of the threads that weave our soul.

Carrot friends, embrace the figure lines of nature, of our soul!

xo Bess

Thin Places

I'm writing from the 15th floor of a chic boutique hotel in the fabulous city of Chicago. Michael and I have been traveling a bit these past two weeks, three states in ten days. Much more than we usually travel, but what a wonderful way to explore and experience life. It does take some mental strength for me to see beyond the hectic schedule- rearranging and allow myself to transition quicker than I like to.  As with running or swimming, I do best when I have a chance to warm up before finding my pace.  I also face a twinge of mother-guilt when we're not home to share dinner and stories.  Fortunately, Meg and Owen have learned how to transition well, between activities, between two homes, and texting has come in handy for staying in  touch with their generation.  They were able to join us on our trip to San Diego which made all this traveling easier and added a level of value to it because it allowed them to see how and what we do when we travel.  Basically, we find a body of water to swim in, we run to become familiar with our surroundings, we eat foods specially known to the region ( fish tacos in San Diego, grits in North Carolina, deep-dish pizza in Chicago), we visit the art museums, look for retro/vintage shops, and whatever else comes our way. Tonight, we have tickets to the Second City Comedy Club which is where many of the Saturday Night Live and other famous comedians have made their debut, John Belushi, Tina Fey, Steve Carrell to name a few.

With all the traveling we do, and we have been to some remarkable and memorable places like Paris, London, Barcelona, and Beijing, but none have given me the sense of a "thin place" quite like the places closest to me. What is a thin place?  I only recently heard of it, in an article I read from the travel section in The New York Times. A thin place is described as a place where “we become our more essential selves.”  It is often sacred, but need not be.  Its location, population, or its cultural reverence, does not matter.  What matters is that it both invigorates and calms the senses, a place you feel alive and safe.  You cannot plan a trip to a thin place.  There can be no expectations.  I suspect, only a veil separates you between heaven and earth, where I imagine, the veil feels like skin.

For me, the garden is a thin place.  So is Nauset beach and Skaket beach, and Herridge’s Bookstore, and Michael’s skin.  These are places where I can breathe, feel air.  I can let thoughts in my head get wet, rinse, spin out. The colors, the smells, the textures burst.

The garden is earth and heaven.  Dirt under the fingernails makes it real.  Sprinkled seeds in a quarter-inch row open to sky. Thick, dark soil, full of possibility, smudges my jeans. The smell of roots, rock, and left-over kale mixes with sun and rain. Always a weed to pull.

To swim at Skaket beach is to ride across land and sea where the pink vista hypnotizes, waves sing me a lullaby, and sand flats cast a spell. It teeters two visions: the verduous depths of the sea and blue with a sun.

Nauset beach has its own magical way of carrying my bare feet along the firm sand. I love how it exposes itself like a Polaroid picture when the tide ebbs. I connect the rocks, casted like stars, with my sandy toes.  Michael runs zig-zag in softer sand beside me and we stride to the furthest point, free of beachgoers, and free for a quick skinny-dip.  The head of a seal, like a periscope, is our only witness.

Drive towards Wellfleet Harbor at dusk and you will see the light on in a little house, piled with books.  Herridge’s Bookstore smells of dust and cedar. I never make it past the first few feet on my left.  Here,the poetry books sit on disheveled shelves.  Michael finds his place a few feet to the right in the art corner.  Two feet behind me are the young adult books, a genre I’ve never outgrown.  The owner, with his easy smile, chats on the telephone to his neighbor.  In this space, nine feet by twelve, I have all the time in the world. 

 

Under well-worn cotton sheets, where my form traces his, I find the space I long for most.  Smells of linseed oil, chlorine( in the winter when we cannot swim open water) and sweat intertwine, and the hum of night seeps in from the window above our heads, a Christmas candle light still taped to the sill.  My essential self sleeps.

I loved the description of a "thin place." It made me think of mine, and realize you don't have to go far to find it.

"It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.” – Lucille Ball

Thank you carrot friends for allowing the space to speak of  matters important to me, and for sharing what I find beauty and truth in, and hopefully inspire you to do too. What are your thin places?

xo bess